Falling in love with his boss, the brother of his companion, the guy of his sister, a married man … so many impossible loves. Should we go for it anyway? Are our feelings real or simply fantasy? Discussion with Antoine Spath, sexologist and psychologist.
Edith, 30, fell in love with her boss. It was reciprocal, moreover. “We lived in the forbidden, because it is not done, this kind of thing in business.And then, we were also fifteen years apart.Between the professional and the age difference, our history was impossible We spent six months, we stopped everything and I even changed boxes. Tiphaine, she is 25 years old.
She has already felt an attraction for the brother of her boyfriend. “I did not do anything for it, but when I met Simon’s brother, I was exhilarated, he kept looking at me, I ignored everything and I’m better off. to get away from me, to avoid temptation On one hand, I did not want to break my story, on the other hand, to leave for the brother of my companion … impossible What would have been said about me? Antoine Spath, psychologist and sexologist, explains that impossible loves are often defined through the eyes of others. “The symbolic order, with its high point the oedipal situation, would like us to stay in the nails, that we do not transgress, that we go towards any age difference, or status” comments the expert.
Impossible loves, simple fantasies?
Is it the prohibition that leads us to think that we are completely in love? As Antoine Spath reminds us, frustration leads to desire. All we do not call us to run, want. And often, love and desire are confused. “We believe we love, or we want,” adjusts the expert. QED: This love seems impossible to us, we want it so we believe we love.
“We believe we love, we want to”
When Edith’s relationship with her boss ended, grief was not there, the girl told us: “Finally, with hindsight, I think I liked playing this ban. could not live this story, so it excited us, it ended without suffering, and I wonder if I was in love, really, I would say yes, but as with a passionate love they are different feelings. ” Antoine Spath notes that when we live an impossible love, our feelings are such a drug, we share enjoyable moments and we can fall back immediately.
Tiphaine, she has never been in love with Simon’s brother, but what she felt seemed very real to her: “I think I was not in fantasy, if that had been the case, I would have – I was still dreaming, but I had my feet in reality, from which my spontaneous flight, I knew that this love, if it developed, could really give something: it was too dangerous and I was not ready. ”
Should we persevere?
To persevere in the face of an impossible love, it is a priori to free oneself from the eyes of others. But also, as the expert emphasizes, to get rid of the supposed view of others. Because often, the others did not say anything, did nothing, we hide and we imagine the reactions. We integrate the other in itself.
“We are his own agent of transgression, and at the same time his own other”, continues the psychologist. To want to go to the end, it is therefore taking the time not to stipulate the thoughts of our entourage and to gather forces to assume. Although the psychiatrist warns: these loves can cause pain. Phèdre, at Racine, falls in love with her son-in-law. A source of torment and complications, facing an imposed framework.
This is the lesson of this dramaturgy. Today, the time makes us cross the limits more, we seek the transgression. So why not ? Once you identify your feelings, between reality and fantasy, and you feel ready to jostle a so-called established order, dare. After all, who knows what makes us happy, apart from ourselves?