we do not choose by chance ? Why him ? Why she ? If any meeting seems to follow from a series of unforeseeable coincidences, each one of us approaches it, unbeknownst to him, with a bunch of conscious and, above all, unconscious determinisms.
Motor! Time stops, it’s him, it’s her. Whether it lasts a minute, a night or a life, the meeting is magic. Sequence emotion. She changes the everyday into a fairy tale, gray in pink, lead in gold. A sudden lightness of air accompanies him. From a stable and uneventful life, we move on to the dream life of angels. As Jean-Claude Kaufmann so beautifully explains (La Femme seul et le Prince Charming), every human being is an hermit crab sentenced to live in the shell of his identity. His only chance to open his soul and get out of this cocoon is to indulge in the beloved … to mutually reinvent himself.
But now, why do we cross thousands of people and only love one? Why did Marion and Frederic, who had been working together for three years, see each other like never before tonight of May 19, 1998? What drove Marthe and Fabrice into each other’s arms, all separating them, age, social universe, etc.? ? Chance? Cupid? Certainly not! Even if any meeting seems to follow from a series of unforeseeable coincidences, each one tackles it, unwittingly, with a lot of conscious and, above all, unconscious determinisms.
we do not choose by chance – The interlocking of two neuroses
You do not have to be a sociologist to see that you are more likely to fall on one another if you attend the same college, the same company, the same neighborhood or the same sports club … It is mathematical logic , the law of probabilities. But, regardless of the obsessed statistics, this does not mean that meetings are determined by the “social affinities”. It’s more subtle than that … For scientists, everything is biological: the visual, acoustic, olfactory and hormonal signals of the partner make crack the heart – or rather the receivers – of the madly in love. It’s less rational than that …
Yes, the truth is elsewhere, buried in the abyss of our psyche. Freud first pointed out that we only meet what already exists in his own unconscious. “To find the sexual object (the beloved object) is, in fact, only to find it”, such would be the law of human desire. Marcel Proust, in writing that one imagines first and then meets, does not say anything else … The love encounter is built on foundations, regressive, affect, ambivalent, confirms Jean- Georges Lemaire, one of the first psychotherapists to be interested in couples in distress. The love shock is an “unconscious collusion”, he explains, the interlocking of two complementary neuroses. We are attracted by the other because it resonates with the little child we were and who lives deep inside us. So, writes Isabelle Yhuel (When women break up), the definition of Prince Charming: “A man who fits our symptom.”