The heart has its reasons, and sometimes it is racing. At home too. Shaking the ramparts, the principles, the basic morality … Three men tell their scandalous drive and their impossible love.
LOVE IMPOSSIBLE: THAT DOES NOT ARISE THAN OTHERS
Impossible loves, it does not happen only to others, in Greek tragedy or cinema. The men we met had until then known the quiet love, the one in which we dive without asking a thousand questions. And that we can live in front of others, like everyone else. But one day, a look, a gesture, an odor has upset their lives. They fell in love, or just crazy with desire, from the wrong person at the wrong time. The one that everything – morality, loyalty, politeness of love … – forbade them.
Some have crossed the red line, at the risk of ruining their relationship and even good friendships; others have resisted and still live with a haunting fantasy that prevents them from loving serenely the one they have married.
How are all struggling with their secret? Their guilt? Their impulses repressed? Three men told us, anonymously, the most “twisted” love story of their lives.
LOVE IMPOSSIBLE: “I TRUMPED IT WITH ITS BEST FRIEND”
Testimony of Ludovic, 35 years old.
I love my wife deeply. Elsa is beautiful, sweet, loving, reliable, faithful. She is eight years older than me, it gives him a maternal side that reassures me … When I met her, I cracked at first sight. On our second date, she introduced me to her best friend, Claire. They work in the same advertising agency, go on vacation together. Claire has always been part of our decor. When I married Elsa, she was his witness.
For years, if I had a secret desire for Claire, I had repressed her because I knew it was impossible love. I was just saying, “I love his hands”, or again: “His presence is nice.” And then Elsa got pregnant. We were at the height of happiness. But after a few weeks, the pregnancy proved difficult: anxiety, dizziness, hemorrhages. We stopped making love, I was unable to touch her. She was due to give birth in October 2005.
In August, we decided to spend our holidays in her mother’s apartment in the Var. I had to leave first, to get off the car and prepare the apartment. As always, Claire was on the trip, and Elsa had suggested she leave with me, it would make me a company … We left on a Friday. Claire was adorable and considerate. Long-time friends, we could as well confide in us as accept the silences. We arrived around midnight. It was hot, we did not even connect electricity, we put our suitcases and opened the large bay overlooking the balcony. We were side by side, nature rustled, the sea glittered under the stars, everything was calm and voluptuous. We looked at each other and our faces came together. It was stronger than a desire: an obviousness. We made love against the balustrade, gently, long, in perfect harmony, as if we had done it dozens of times.
I love my wife, and I cheated on her with her best friend. But does not the greatest betrayal come from Claire? Women have incomprehensible relationships with each other. We never made love again. When Elsa came, my betrayal was hurting everywhere, and I was suddenly very afraid of losing her. We had no ambiguous game with Claire. All I wanted was to spare Elsa the slightest doubt. I felt wrong, and I thought that through the slightest look at Claire, Elsa would understand. Years later, it still happens that this vision of Claire on the railing tugs me, but it has nothing to do with love. I do not consider Claire anymore as a friend. She is strange to me. When she found the man of her life, she asked me – not me, not Elsa – to be his witness. I refused on the pretext of traveling abroad. The woman is a mystery.
LOVE IMPOSSIBLE: “I AM LOVING CRAZY OF THE SISTER OF MY WIFE”
Testimony of Ryan, 32 years old.
I knew my wife, Leila, when she was 20 years old. At the time, his sister Telma was 12. During the first years, I saw Telma as a child, what it was. Until the anniversary of his 16 years. I will always remember it. Her tight T-shirt, her small firm breasts that pointed through the fabric, her buttocks, her camber … The desire that came over me then was dazzling, not to be ashamed, I buried it under a lead screed .
During the years that followed, I saw her grow up and become a bombshell. Simultaneously, Leila gave birth to our two sons. She’s a real, good mother, a woman I love very deeply. But every time I look at Telma, the fire is gnawing at me. The worst is that hot situations are not lacking. Indeed, Leila, who is a nurse, often has to do night guards. When I come home late to take care of children, Telma takes care of it. And we often met at night alone. Once when she was 18, while I was lying on the couch, in front of the TV, she came to lie down innocently using my belly as a pillow, she folded her legs to put her feet on the armrest; suddenly, her skirt fell back on her thighs tapered, discovering the limit of her black panties. The sexiest vision of my life. Impossible that she did not feel, against her cheek, to assemble my erection. She continued to watch the movie as if nothing had happened. After a while, she said she was going down to smoke a cigarette. In shock, I went to take a cold shower. When I came out, she had left a note on the couch: “Finally it is better that I go home.”
I’m not a sex addict, but I must admit that Telma ended up haunting me. I kept thinking of her, it was physically painful that impossible love. Recently she gave me the coup de grace: we were both tight in the tiny elevator leading to my house and she said, “I’m going to get married.” I was heartbroken and sex on fire. On the wedding day, during the evening, we came across a room in her parents-in-law’s house, where the party was taking place. She closed the door and kissed me violently on the mouth before going to meet her husband. Today I am still with my wife, but her sister obsesses me. I have never acted, but my thoughts are much worse.
IMPOSSIBLE LOVE: “I HAVE CRUSHED FOR THE WIFE OF A POINT”
Testimony of Thomas, 38 years old.
Every summer, for years, my wife and I go on vacation in the same house, in La Baule, with three other couples. A bunch of friends, with children of the same age … It’s always successful. Last summer, I ruined everything.
One evening, we were dining on the terrace, redoing the world, as usual, drunk with rosé. Louise, my wife, was busy with the barbecue … I quickly felt that there was water in the gas between Jeanne and Patrice, a couple of antique pals. On several occasions Jeanne gave me desperate looks, at least that’s how I perceived them. Suddenly, something was revealed in me, a thing that had to be in preparation for a long time: suddenly I looked at Jeanne, this beautiful mature woman, as if I discovered it. Her black hair, her tanned skin, her luscious lips, her generous breasts: everything attracted me. The evening progressed, little by little everyone has eclipsed. If I want to be honest, I must admit that I could not wait to find myself alone with Jeanne. It was not suspicious, because this kind of situation happened every day. But that night was different. It was very nice, we decided to go for a walk on the beach. And what was to happen happened: we threw ourselves on each other and we made love between two boats. It was good.
The next day, at breakfast, it was as if nothing had happened. I do not know if our friends suspected anything, but the following week was strange. The situation was exciting, I watched Jeanne ceaselessly, stealthily. But she pretended that nothing had happened, she seemed to be reconciled with Patrice, as if our adventure had not existed. It drove me crazy. Finally, one night, no longer holding, I arranged to find myself alone with her again, I tried to kiss her, but she pushed me away. It was ridiculous, and I knew it. On the other hand, what I did not know was that my attitude of the previous days had aroused the suspicions of Patrice, who, in fact, was not sleeping. He was stashed in the darkness of the house. And had heard everything. I often see dreaming the final scene, as drawn from a series B: Patrice pops up and propels his fist towards me, I collapse on the table still loaded with the remains of dinner, the blood spurts from my nose, Jeanne pushes a the strident cry, the lights come on, and the stunned faces of our other friends, the sleepy-eyed children appear, Louise as struck by the lightning. Suddenly, years of friendship and love have broken.
The next morning, we shortened our holidays and everyone went home. The band shattered. Louise got the divorce. It’s strange, because despite this mess, I did not really feel guilty. What remains of all of this is the sweet taste of Jeanne’s skin and this impossible love. I have often read that men are dominated by their impulses and that, to satisfy an immediate desire, they are capable of destroying their lives. I am, among others, a living example.
LOVE IMPOSSIBLE: THE OPINION OF THE PSY
What is forbidden in love?
Sophie Cadalen *: There is no real prohibition, except the almost universal one of incest. But he always drags one in the family, around the one we can not have: the sister of his wife, his best friend … We are a little in an incestuous unconscious, we flirt with a forbidden, in fact decreed only by our imagination. And the untouchable becomes even more desirable.
Does the forbidden nourish the desire?
Yes. While it would be intended to border our desire, the prohibition often has the opposite effect. Because desire is always transgressive. The more laws we have, the more attracted we are. As long as we swear that “we will never look at the sister of his wife”, she remains exciting. It is not so much that we want this woman, but rather to exceed, to dare this transgression.
Why is there or no action?
What will blow the dam is the force of repression. The more we have curbed, the more we risk cracking. In many families, it is “dragouille” between brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, there is fantasy, and we play with it. We do not close the door permanently. To close it is to give tragic importance, to make it something powerful and powerful. We have every interest in going closer to our fantasies: to realize if they really hold us to the heart and the belly. It is often the idea that excites us, more than the passage to the act. Can love born of a forbidden be happy? Yes, if we focus on what pushes us into each other’s arms. Those who manage to free themselves from the eyes of others and go after their choice, often, over time, convince their entourage.
Is the notion of forbidden the same for men as for women?
Yes. The difference is in social codes. For a long time the prohibition was mostly on the side of women. Today they allow themselves more and more to be lovers, sexual. And we see that the more they affirm this authority and authorize things, the more men forbid.